Caramelldansen playing in another room but it's me at 35 years of age

I was born with severe asperger and a small amygdala which has only given me difficulties throughout my life.
In my early day of up to 4-7 years of age my mom abused me physically for not doing what she expected me to do which has had negative impact on me. Like for example I was beaten for not doing caligraphy work for school properly to start learning how to write letters at the age of 5 and many such cases.

Then later on starting from the fragile age of just 7 years, I was bullied and ostracized by 3 kids, against whom I hold a deep grudge even now, (like I cannot rest and put the past behind me until I have killed them or something similar because my vengeance is not satiated and I DO NOT care if an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind, if I had to be blinded because of them, so shall they), not just at school, but at an after-school as well because I had the misfortune of going to an afterschool to do my homework at the same place all 3 of them went (there were also other kids from my class but that didn't matter) and they did the same thing that they did while at school with me; so basically I was marginalized about 70% of the time, and the other 30% of the time I had issues at home because we were very poor (I live in Romania and in 2008 both of my parents were without a job and only had income of about 300 euros from an apartment that we rented out to somebody).

And if it wasn't enough that I was being bullied for behaving differently, I was also physically and verbally bullied for having a hideous face, which I still believe to this very day ( I was called things like "Moley" and "Soresy" because of the moles that I had developed because of unlucky genetic lottery); I cannot look in the mirror without starting to feel disgusted and wanting to smash the glass just so that I don't have to see myself in the mirror; I hate everything about the person that is described as me, from the physical, to the emotional and behaveural aspect.

Which brings me to another point: I don't even know who I am anymore, I feel like I am 50 different personalitites in one, because I had developed borderline personality disorder to keep up with the social rejection that I was getting, together with self-esteem problems that come along with it.

All of that have only exacerbated the underlying problems of autism that I have had but that weren't obvious (I have taken a asperger test and I scored a 165/200 autistic and 75/200 normal), which have only worsened my way of approaching people to the point where I don't even want to approach people anymore.

And here is the problem: I hate that I have experienced all of the above and that I was basically robbed the opportunity to have a fairly normal life as opposed to a life that is spiraling downwards, a life that I am sick and tired of living, a life that makes me wish death each and every day just to take me out of the role of observer from this role. I have never had a girlfriend, despite me wanting to have one, I have never experienced what most people would call "love", all I've known was suffering, expectations, pain, lack of creativity and lack of a purpose to keep going.

While streamers like xQc, HasanAbi, Asmongold, etc get to live a life doing what they wanted to do, I have to think about how and what I should do to keep myself afloat, and I am sick and tired of a world that makes me need to do that. I want to truly kill myself and put an end to all this misery that I've had to live through.

I can't even be good at what I wanted to at least be partially good at (osu). Also "go touch some grass" or "go outside" also doesn't work, because all that happens when I do that is that I see all these other people who at least seem to have fun with their significant other and it makes me want to take that away form them, because I've never had somebody like that and it hurts me so bad on the inside. Pain begets pain

Another fact is the fact that I have always felt that I was born the wrong gender, like I feel like I as a boy am misplaced in its cathegory, even my family members saying "With the way you behave, you should've been born a girl; your own sister is more boy than you are" I hate the fact that I was born a male from the darkest place of my heart and here's the kicker: I would rather put an end to my life than attempt to do the "makeshift" solution to this problem, I reject the trans solution completely, I'd rather die by my own hand than undergo any of that, which is what I will do

I WILL NEVER ACCEPT THE FACT THAT I HAVE TO LIVE WITH ALL THAT I HAVE HAD GONE THROUGH AND AS SOON AS MY PARENTS KICK THE BUCKET, SO SHALL I, EXACTLY LIKE IN THE PICTURE ABOVE, I SHALL LEAVE THIS WORLD FULL OF MISERY AND HATE THAT HAS SHUNNED ME FOR WHAT I WAS AND AS SUCH I SHALL SHUN IT TOO WITH ALL IT HAS TO OFFER.

If things keep developing the way they are and I don't find somebody to give what I deem as love to, exactly as I want to, I will finally do as I have mentioned.