Скачать или смотреть MOAT 2338 - Stillness (Era 2 - Episode 18 - Tira’s Diary Audiobook)

Disclaimer: This was made with the assistance of AI.

Tira's Diary (Youtube):    • 124). Tira's Diary (AI Audiobook)  
Tira's Diary (Notion): https://www.notion.so/Tira-s-Diary-Au...

Dear Mother,

I sat by the windowsill today and watched the younger kids play outside.

They were running in the way you do when you don’t think about where you’re going. Someone fell and got back up without crying. Someone else laughed too loud and didn’t feel embarrassed about it. I used to think it was strange when kids stayed here long enough to look like me. I remember thinking it must be awkward to still be here when you were old enough to know better.

Now I’m here.

The glass was cold against my arm. I could see my breath when I leaned close, even though it wasn’t cold enough for that outside. The window always does that. It makes the world look a little farther away than it is.

The leaves are changing again. I remember when it was an event, now it’s just another routine. Some of them are already on the ground, turning dark and soft around the edges. When the wind moves them, they sound like paper tearing very slowly. New leaves will come back later, and no one will remember the old ones. I thought about how people are like that too. Always coming and going. Being replaced without anyone meaning to.

I feel too young to be thinking like this. But the thoughts keep happening anyway.

The days are starting to blur together. The bells ring. We eat. We work. We pray. We sleep. Then it happens again. I know what the sermons are going to say before they start. I know when everyone will bow their heads and when the caretaker will clear her throat before continuing. The words don’t feel new anymore. They’re not for me. They’re for the children who haven’t heard them yet.

I try to listen anyway.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m still learning anything at all, or if I’m just staying the same on purpose because that’s what’s expected of me. I still do my work carefully. I still follow the rules. I just don’t feel like anything is being added anymore.

It feels like I’m standing still while everything else moves past me.

Even my thoughts don’t seem to go anywhere. They circle back on themselves, like they’re walking the same path over and over and wearing it down.

I’ve started to notice how quiet this place can be. Not the good kind of quiet, like when everyone is asleep and nothing is required of you. This quiet waits. It feels like it’s watching to see if I’ll do something different.

Sometimes I think the only way out of this place would be to do something wrong enough that it changes something. I don’t want to do that. I don’t think I could. But knowing that nothing will change if I keep doing everything right feels worse than it should.

I don’t feel angry. I don’t feel sad in a way that goes anywhere.

I just feel paused.

The bell rang while I was still watching. The children came back inside in a line, their faces red from the cold. They took off their coats and left them in piles. Tomorrow they’ll do it again. So will I.

I don’t know how long you can stay in one place before it starts to feel like you’re fading out of it.

your daughter,
Tira