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Need to be seen (even via self-supply own-audience) vs. need to not be seen by others and/or by oneself to avoid shame.

Relationships (including therapy) are about being seen: provoke dissonance, even threat (being seen and seeing oneself which trigger life-threatening shame).

Shame is gap in perception of how you should be (ego ideal) vs. belief that you are not as you ought to be.

Guilt goes with shame, shame can go without guilt or projected guilt (accusing others for causing one shame, mistreating one).

Ego ideal can be realistic and healthy or entitled and fantastic. Gap with reality generates concatenated shame (self-loathing) and anxiety in the wake of (sets up for) failure or avoidance.

Solutions: Change fantasy or Change reality.

Fantasy inversion owing to intolerable grandiosity gap: from positive to negative (cognitive dissonance).

Narcissist’s self-perception is never real, only fantastic (all-positive aggrandizing godlike or total bad object).

Easier to match negative fantasy with reality. Restores calm and safety (my self-judgment is correct).

The negative fantasy is also grandiose: uniquely self-destructive and self-defeating bad object. Success in realizing it is self-supply.

When life matches fantasy, it yields comfortable ego syntony and makes it difficult to change one’s life.
Negative fantasies create shame because it follows a failure with a positive fantasy.

Cathecting the negative fantasy proportional to shame regarding the failed positive fantasy.

Positive fantasy: gap with reality; Negative fantasy: gap with abandoned positive fantasy.

Self-fulfilling prophecy: behaviors determined to avoid dissonance with the negative fantasy.

Romantic jealousy is a negative fantasy

Cost of the negative fantasy: dissociation and identity disturbance.

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