Doctor Who - The Ballad of Russell & Julie

Lyrics:

Julie and Russell sat one night.
Russell sparked up a Marlboro Light.
Julie's eyes were all ablaze,
As Russell tried to shun her gaze.
He knew the look, he knew the score;
It seemed more manic than before.
Russell cringed in fear and dread
As Julie pulled him near and said:

Let's do it, let's do it.
I've had a really good idea.
We'll revamp, make more camp
A sci-fi show from yester-year.
I've had banter with Tranter.
Your written word will be hailed in the ming mong mantra.
Let's do it, let's do it tonight.

But he said...

I can't do it, I can't do it.
You're asking far too much of me.
I'm harassed, embarrassed;
I've watched the show since I was three.
Don't choose me, don't use me,
My mother sent a note to say you must excuse me.
I can't do it, I can't do it tonight.

So she said...

Let's do it, let's do it-
Make a brand new Doctor Who.
We've got Chris in, all's missing
Is a sidekick and an all-Welsh crew.
It's not silly to ask Billie.
We'll film in every quarry from here to Caerphilly.
Let's do it, let's do it tonight.

Ooh, then he said...

I can't do it, I can't do it-
The pressure of the BBC.
I must email some young male
To alleviate the stress on me.
I can't block out, please lock out,
Images of Johnny B getting his cock out.
I can't do it, I can't do it tonight.

She replied...

Let's do it, let's do it.
Phil okayed my offer to produce.
We'll get Trac to take flack
When he lets his raging temper loose.
My decision to use your vision
Will make the show the best thing on the television.
Let's do it, let's do it tonight.

And he squawked...

I can't do it, I can't do it.
Chris is giving up his role.
No Time Lord? Oh good Lord,
How we're gonna fill this role?
It's too complex, we're all wrecks.
My brain is overflowing with bloody Daleks.
I can't do it, I can't do it tonight.

She excitedly said...

Let's do it, let's do it.
We'll get another Time Lord in.
Don't sweat it, you can't let it
Make you sad and maudlin.
It's not over, and moreover,
We'll get the lovely fellow in from Casanova.
Let's do it, let's do it tonight.

And he yelled...

I can't do it, I can't do it.
I really think that I can't cope.
More rewrites, no respite-
I think I've given up all hope.
It'll get canned, it'll be panned.
Lou says there's no costumes in the whole of England.
I can't do it, I can't do it tonight.

Then she proclaimed...

Let's do it, let's do it.
Martha Jones is Freema Agyeman.
We'll bring back Captain Jack
To fight against the Cybermen.
We'll cast a great Master,
He can plunge the planet into global disaster.
Let's do it, let's do it tonight.

And he screamed...

I can't do it, I can't do it.
You've cast Australia's pop princess.
It's madness, my sadness
Will make this episode a mess.
My panic is manic-
The uproar when I kill her off on the Titanic!
I can't do it, I can't do it tonight.

And she expelled...

Let's do it, let's do it.
The Doctor needs a brand new mate.
Don't linger, go ginger.
I'm gonna bring back Catherine Tate.
I wanna, you're gonna,
Reunite the Doctor with the fabulous Donna.
Let's do it, let's do it tonight.

He punctuated...

I can't do it, I can't do it.
I've got obsessed with E4's Skins.
Writer's block. Please don't mock,
It takes my mind off other things.
It's so lame, I must blame,
Dirty thoughts I'm having about Midshipman Frame.
I can't do it, I can't do it tonight.

Excitedly she said...

Let's do it, let's do it.
To film abroad will get my vote.
I promise Ed Thomas can't bring Ancient Rome to Upper Boat.
It's D-Day on Pompeii;
The forums will be buzzing on Outpost Gallifrey.
Let's do it, let's do it tonight.

And he roared...

I can't do it, I can't do it.
The studio in Rome's ablaze.
On fire, it's dire-
How the hell are you not phased?
It's mental. Be gentle.
They say the cause of fire was a Berkley Menthol.
I can't do it, I can't do it tonight.

So she roared...

Let's do it, let's do it.
We've got kids back behind settees.
Our mission, ambition,
Was a show for all the families.
we should try as our goodbye
A hassle-free excursion to sunny Dubai.
Let's do it, let's do it tonight.

But he shouted...

Oh, let's do it. Let's do it!
I feel like I've been set free.
I won't sweat it, now Moffat
Is taking up the reins from me.
I can't wait, it's just great-
I've got a cracking way for Dave to regenerate.
Let's do it, let's do it tonight!

Guess what?

They did it! They did it!
They opened up the TARDIS door.
They're terrific, prolific.
Made it better than it was before!
A 'thank you' from your crew.
We crown you both the King and Queen of Doctor Who.
You did it, you did it tonight!

Lyrics by Jennie Fava, after Victoria Wood.