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“hey guys…
Welcome to session…
Session–
Session thirteen!—”

“…why are the minis already on the floor—”

I typed a three-page lore drop,
You said “lemme roll perception.”
Bro.
It’s a sign.
It’s. A. Sign.
You can’t perceive.
You. Can’t. Read.

Barbarian kicked the quest giver in the shins,
Wizard cast mending on a turtle for 20 mins,
Rogue stole the plot, then stole the table snacks,
Bard tried to romance a gelatinous cube—
Take 4 psychic damage for that.

I just want—
One session—
One—single—session
Where you don’t set something on fire—

Reeeeeeeeeeeeee
this is my breakdown—and also my breaking point!

I need a long rest, I need a long rest,
Why you fight the npc that’s giving you the quest?!

I need a long rest, I need a long rest,
The map took six hours—stop eating the edges!!

I need a long rest, I need a long rest,
The bbeg’s cool speech got interrupted by your pet!

I need a long rest, aaaaaaagh—
Roll a wisdom save or watch me stress.

Cleric used guidance on a handshake, why?
Paladin crit-failed and arrested a butterfly.
Ranger tracked himself for two whole nights,
Druid wildshaped into a frog and refused to fight.

Wizard cast fireball on a wooden dock,
You ended the encounter and the entire flock
Of peaceful seaside pigeons—
Now the mayor’s mad at me?
I didn’t write pigeon stats, bro,
Leave me be.

“hey guys can we—
Can we maybe just—
Follow the plot hook—
For like…
One… single… minute—”

Raaaaaaaaaaaggggggggeeeeeee
I am the final boss of my own sanity!

I need a long rest, I need a long rest,
Stop trying to use animal handling on undeath.

I need a long rest, I need a long rest,
The tavern doesn’t have lore—stop checking the chest.

I need a long rest, aaaaaaagh—
At this point I’m just a stress elemental, yes.

“next week…
We’re doing a one-shot.
A nice, simple, easy one-shot…
…with all of you…
…you delightful little agents of entropy…”

You wanna fight god?
Fine—roll initiative.
You wanna break plot?
Cool—I break narrative.
You wanna kill my npcs?
I’ll just make more of ‘em.
You wanna go full chaotic?
Good.
I invented it.

“…okay…
Session over…
Bring snacks next time…
…please don’t bring the goat again…”