How To Know If Someone is Right For You | Jordan Peterson Relationship Advice

"The best relationships are predicated on attraction, trust and negotiation. And it's constant. You're constantly negotiating to maintain the relationship—to expand it."
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➤➤Speaker:
Jordan B. Peterson
   / jordanpetersonvideos  
https://jordanbpeterson.com/

➤➤Video Sources:
Q&A 05-01-2021 - Jordan B. Peterson
   • Q&A 05-01-2021 | Jordan B. Peterson  

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➤➤Editor:
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➤➤Transcript (Partial):
How can you tell if the person you're in a romantic relationship with is the right person to spend the rest of your life with?

Uh, you can't. You actually decide that, rather than discovering it. I might suggest what you might look for on the way to making that decision, all things considered, a certain amount of similarity on the personality dimensions between the two of you is probably to be recommended.

If you differ tremendously in trait conscientiousness, one of you is gonna find the other unbearably rigid, orderly and workaholic oriented. And that person is going to find you dissolute and undisciplined. And those are temperamental differences. And if the gap is large, it's hard to bridge it. Agreeableness, it's the same thing. The warmer person will find the colder, harsher person cruel and unkind, and the cruel and unkind person will find the more agreeable person soft, a pushover and contemptibly unable to stand up for themselves. The extrovert will want to be out partying all the time and the introvert will have had his or her fill of that very rapidly. So you want some temperamental similarity across the major personality dimensions, with the possible exception of trait neuroticism, which is the generalized proclivity to experience negative emotion. I would suggest that a person high in neuroticism seek out someone low or very low, because first of all, neuroticism is one of the best predictors of unhappiness in a relationship.

And so, if you're both high in neuroticism, you're very likely to be unhappy in the relationship and it's highly probable that the person who's higher in neuroticism needs the stabilizing influence of someone who's lower. Then I would say, well—this is based on my clinical observations as well as the experiences of my life. I think it's necessary, or at least highly desirable, that you find the person that you're with sexually attractive, and that's somewhat ineffable. You can be confronted with two people who are, by "objective standards," equally attractive or perhaps equally unattractive, and find yourself very physically attracted to one of them, while the other one will leave you cold, and that's a deep mystery. And I've seen couples try to get along as friends, try to bridge that romantic gap by will, and I haven't really seen it be successful. So I think you need that spark that ignites sexual passion.

Then you have to ask yourself if you can trust the person, if there are activities that you can share with them that would make up a life—if you're oriented in approximately the same direction with regard to your goals, especially important goals, career and children being foremost among them—if you think you could come to some agreement about how the economic resources could be distributed, or at least how that might be negotiated—if you can negotiate with the other person, then again, if you can trust them. And I would say of all those, trust is the most crucial component, maybe followed by the ability to negotiate. The right person is someone you can negotiate with because there's gonna be differences between you and them. There's gonna be differences in your approach. There should be—hopefully there'll be—because that means that the two of you are bringing different skill sets to bear on the problem. That's—means that you have a more diverse range of potential responses, which can be good, but also that there's gonna be conflict. The issue then becomes: can you negotiate through the conflicts and will the other person stick to their negotiated solution?...

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