S3 - #12 Beyond Codependency - 12 Steps

In "The Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous, 12 steps are suggested as a program of recovery. Those 12 steps have been adopted, with minimal changes, by Co-dependents Anonymous. Brian did not find the CoDA or the AA steps helpful in his efforts to understand and change his codependent behaviors, but the act of writing out his own 12 steps was a helpful exercise.

In this episode we discuss 12 step programs and outline the steps (listed below) that Brian felt he went through in kicking the codependent habits. These are offered not as a 'program of recovery' from codependency but as inspiration for others to design and develop their own 12 step program. 

00:01:22 The disease model
00:04:10 AA
00:08:11 CODA steps
00:14:00 Brian's steps 1-5

1. I admitted that I was powerful, that my life could be manageable.
2. I came to believe that human interpersonal relationships are a core feature of an enriching life experience, and that my habitual codependent behaviors were holding me back from having that experience.
3. I made a decision to listen to what my emotions are telling me and understand the ways in which I had been avoiding or burying those emotions.
4. I made a searching and fearless inventory of all the relationships in my life, past and present, what effect those people’s behaviors have had on me, and the effects my behaviors have had on those people.
5. I admitted to another human being that I value and trust the exact nature of those behaviors and relationships, to the best of my ability.
6. I was entirely ready to face the shame and fear that I had been burying or avoiding, asking for help from others, when necessary.
7. I searched for the root causes of all my maladaptive behavior patterns and worked on strategies for healing from the effects of those causes.
8. I made a list of all my wants, needs, desires, values and expectations for my life and for my relationships.
9. Using that list, I made an honest attempt to look at the big picture of my life to see which of my actions and which of my relationships were or weren’t serving my wellbeing.
10. I continue to cultivate my ability to recognize what power I have and how I can apply that power to make changes I need to make or accept things I can’t change.
11. I continue to watch how I use my language, and for the motivations behind my initial reactions to situations or other people’s behaviors, and when they resemble what I understand as codependency, promptly correct myself.
12. Having gained the self-awareness and wisdom that has come from taking these steps, I commit to making all of these new behaviors my habitual behaviors.

More written material on Patreon including:
Brian's show notes - "The key here is that I didn’t need to “heal” from codependency. It’s not a disease. It’s just a collection of maladaptive behaviors that were formed from trauma (for me) and became habitual. Many of these behaviors on their own aren’t “bad” behaviors necessarily - it’s when they become habitual and we become basically powerless over them where it becomes a problem. But powerlessness itself is at the root - and is one of the main problems that then leads to everything else. At least it has been for me. So admitting that I’m powerless, but then turning around and just giving that power over to god or whatever doesn’t actually make any sense." Read more: https://www.patreon.com/posts/8962299...

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