Tuesday, April 18th 2023

yea ok fine :unamused:

i couldnt trust videos or sounds really and i can't trust outside entities plus i hate peaceful things i need to be torn out to know all these things

i had an interesting dream when i was begging to know but now i do not know what to think about it (the dream could last for 3 years) still i cannot understand how the corpse gets from a to b

i get scared of these artefacts in my life that drive me to feel this or that (its actually kind of degenerate to me to even consider an interest in them) but you have to look at them (which is also boring)

i hate the magnetism, which is one of those things that is retrospective justification instead of eating something forward (okay, everything forward i discard too, so i have to live with it forever) but i dont like the fear and hiding and mathematical impossibility, okay, everything backwards i have to live with

though i go to sleep now and i am begging all strongly to KNOW WHO I HAVE HURT, and then i end up just having the same metaphor dreams (or something i've stretched to fit the metaphor), but then in the waking world i don't care about the harm, so why don't they show anything else (i mean there's nothing to care for about that harm, it just happens) , but there was something interesting at the start , where i again don't care about the hurt (actually im asking for a name and a face and a location and a situation, and i know this exists because i know where i've been, but you have to live with the metaphors because everything is base or whatever)

but i had this interesting vision where i was essentially a controlled clone of something "kind of bad" trapped in the house and controlled and i kept trying to escape and was something like uhhhh a sideways slant scrape in metal of a person (i cant remember if male or female, it escapes me for three years due to the interesting mathematical slant of various places), interestingly i was sick (very sick) and didn't have a long time to live, and i was also being lied to about the nature of illness, but when i found out what the illness was about and why it struck me and why i had to do the things i did and the things i had to eat to counteract it i didn't care , maybe there's nothing to care about anywhere

i get extremely stressed and pressured by various coincidences that are cruel to me. yet they still do not create a coincidences emoji nevermind i just realised they have actually

actually im disgusted with the idea and output of creating like so (well by opinions and behaviours which are all human, everything i do is tarred with that like everybody else (so i'm not worried about it much) it's just disturbing (in short i'm uncomfortable in ways i don't explain) it's unserious but it's serious, it's very serious even when it's unserious, (well, only to me) everything is only to me, boohoo to me for that

and also you really can't say what is real in the subjective state (well, you can if you're on the mathematics side) but i was thinking that if i ever "went somewhere" with the remnant of the place, i would not change my behaviours whatsoever, which in turn provides justification for "being somewhere" (but i won't apologise, so again that leads me to being underneath)

i remember for a period of maybe hmmm a decade or so i was extremely uncomfortable with the depiction, so i'm still uncomfortable with other depictions now (actually i'm uncomfortable with them all, which i can't justify except perhaps a childish belief or maybe possession of the depiction) i don't understand it, it's a state of violation isn't it (well, the world sets up the interesting state of violation, you can pay attention (or just be sick)

i am so strangely juvenile in the way i am trying to grow up
dream,dream2,dream3,dream4,dream5,regret,shape,idiocy,immaturity