Strong. (a video essay)

This film's a little different.

If you want to know more about the specifics of my situation while I lived in Catalunya, read on:)

I left for nearly a year and a half after graduating college and quitting my (9-5ish) job to teach English abroad and learn Spanish. Instead, the teaching job fell through (and so did my housing) almost immediately, and I found myself all alone in a city where I didn't speak the language, spending money I didn't have, chasing a dream that seemed so unrealistic at the time (and sometimes still does!) in the hopes that maybe if I put myself out there, I would magically be able to float in this wild space we call humanity.

Except for, I now know that I was never really alone. I found friends, a job, a new passion, and learned more than I ever could have expected. I had a supportive family back at home (which I understand how lucky and privileged I am to have), and ofc, I had my new family in Barcelona.

To say the least, traveling halfway around the world, on my own, with a failed plan, was already daunting enough. When the pandemic hit, I had just decided to move in with my new friend Ez to travel the world in a van. We actually caught Covid, and then a few weeks later we found ourselves face to face with cops who were (illegally) evicting us from the van even though we were parked on private property and adhering to isolation rules.

Simultaneously, donald had announced that Americans were to stay abroad and that I was effectively stuck in Catalunya. Sidebar: f*ck trump.

We moved into the single room completed in Nate and Dei's house/construction zone (about the size of the van) alongside some other climbers who found themselves homeless at the time. Although we made it work, my tendency towards introversion (I know, I know, I seem extroverted) made it an extremely difficult time for me to live with a group of strangers (although we all became friends by the end, it was still not exactly the most ideal of situations!). These months consisted of me trying to busy myself by climbing on the home board and making films, all the while ducking from helicopter patrols and staying as hidden as possible, even though I was legally able to stay in Spain for a year (and eventually, a year and a half with the extended visa COVID situation).

From my shared box room, I saw the social devastation coming to light in America. I got updates from my ex-girlfriend about the LGBTQ+ supreme court rulings- we were holding our breaths to see if she would legally be allowed to work in her job or even have access to healthcare as a trans woman in her profession (update: nope. still no healthcare). I saw the BLM movement protests in full swing from my phone, and couldn't help but shut down when I was so far away from everyone I loved, including my new family in Barcelona.

And while trying to find any sliver of myself to hold onto, I realized how little confidence I had left in anything, including the future of our world. Personally, I used to base a lot of my confidence in a few buckets: the first being academia. I graduated honors from UCSB with a degree in Biopsych and a minor in English. I had based a lot of my worth on my grades... whoops. I also based a lot of my confidence on my climbing ability and boldness, which suddenly crumbled as I challenged myself to learn how to lead climb and found myself in tears, constantly (and then of course, the pandemic which meant no climbing for a bit). The third confidence bucket I had was in feeling attractive, yet earlier that year I had gone through a really tough breakup and felt like attraction was the last thing I wanted to attain, and the last thing that I felt. I also had gained confidence in my wit and humor, which was one of the toughest language barriers for me to cross as I learned Castellano (and Catalan). I tried my best to convey my personality through a limited vocabulary, but it was difficult, especially in the first months, to really feel like myself.

I had to redefine what it meant to be Anna this year. And I'm still trying to understand myself, to love myself, and to embody my own definition of what it means to be a strong female climber.

I've learned so much. I've grown so much. I feel like a completely different person only a year and a half later, and I didn't know how or why or what this year meant to me with words alone.

So I came up with this slideshow/essay. Thanks for tuning in, afor getting me to 4k followers, for allowing me the platform to share, learn, discover and grow. What a flippin dream.

I hope you have a lovely holiday season, wherever you may be, and especially if you’re far from home.

If you want to be a larger part of my filmmaking adventure, here's a link to my patreon page:   / annahazelnutt