The Elephant In The Room

“When there is an elephant in the room there is little room left for understanding, consensus, or problem solving.” wwwBillCrawfordPhD.com

I’m sure this is a predicament we have all experienced at one time or another… there is some problem or issue facing a group, couple, family, family business or team that everyone is aware of, but no-one is willing to acknowledge.

For those of you who follow my “Life from the Top of the Mind” philosophy, you now that the reason this issue creates so much dysfunction has to do with how our brains process information. That is, when people are afraid to acknowledge what is clearly a problem, this fear triggers the lower 20% of the brain, or the brainstem. This is the reactive brain that can only react with fight-or-flight, and the tendency to carry on as if there isn’t an elephant in the room is a form of “flight.”

Unfortunately, this brainstem avoidance not only distracts from the ability of the group to address the issue, it also clouds any discussion of other issues that need to be addressed. So, that’s the problem, what’s the solution?

I believe the solution should include three steps. First, the elephant needs to be acknowledged, meaning someone has to say what everyone else is thinking, but afraid to say. Of course, this is easier said than done, because the reason no one has mentioned the elephant so far is their fear of what will happen as a result… someone may take offense, the group could get lost in conflict, and things could get worse.

Therefore, the person who points out the elephant needs to be someone that everyone in the group likes and respects. Unfortunately, if this person is a member of the group, there will be a tendency to see what he or she says as self-serving. Therefore, the best person is someone that the group has brought in to help them accomplish their goals. This is important not only because this person will not be seen as partial to any one faction, but also, this person should have the skills to point out the elephant in a way that doesn’t cast blame on anyone or make them more defensive.

The next component of the solution is the need for the person hired to help solve the problem to see the big picture. The truth is that each person in the group has a tendency to see the “elephant” from a different perspective. This reminds me of the blind men and the elephant story where several people were blindfolded, pointed toward an elephant, and told to describe what they encountered. Some find the tail and think it’s a rope, others find the leg and think it’s a tree, and they all think they’re right!

Therefore, it will be imperative for the person you hire to help engage each of the members individually, first to not only understand their perspective, but to also assure them that “somebody get’s it,” or that they are not going to be blamed or told they are wrong.

The third and final step is to ensure that the discussion is about how to move forward and accomplish the group’s goals versus hold a debate about “who’s right!” This requires that the professional tap in to the neocortex of each member (what I call the “Top of the Mind”) because this is the part of the brain that is more purposeful than reactive, and that thinks about the future.

Chances are that in every group there are things everyone wants to accomplish. This could be improving the bottom line in a business, or creating an environment where a family can come together and celebrate holidays and special occasions without all of the conflict and drama. Or, at the very least, resolve the conflict that is tearing the family apart so that the next generation isn’t inheriting a dysfunctional situation.

Of course, all of this is easier said than done, and that’s why a skilled professional is so important in the process. This is one of the aspects of my practice, and families and business have told me that understanding my system is helpful because it explains how well-meaning people can find themselves in perpetual conflict or “walking on egg shells” (trying to avoid the elephant in the room) from a “brain science” perspective. In other words, when we can understand the situation from the clear, confident, creative part of the brain (and understand how the problem is the result of the group being stuck in the reactive, resentful, defensive brain) we can then all move forward without taking another person’s perspective personally, and instead, focusing on the big picture, and what we all want to accomplish.

Therefore, if there is an “elephant in your room” that is keeping your family, family business, or organization from moving forward, feel free to contact me. I love helping groups deal with the issue, and “free the elephant,” which then frees up the group to become more purposeful and constructive going forward.