Hi,
I’m Claire of Grief Conversations with Claire, Grief Coach, Grief Educator and Speaker. Bereaved sibling, granddaughter, doggie Mum, and other losses that don’t have the relationship title to them-still emotional impactful due to the relationship.
I’m a ritual based person, I always have been, I’m also sentimental when it comes to tangible things that bring memory recall with them.
If rituals are things that bring you comfort and feel supportive, I endorse them all the way, if they feel restrictive, or start to feel restrictive, then I do recommend swapping them out or simply not doing them.
Rituals can look bit and small, external to the world, or internal in your world. Lighting of candle’s, wearing something of theirs, writing to them, visiting a place of theirs. They can be old rituals of something you shared with them, new ones you are trying out. They do not have to stick.
Where I live in the US, and my family is in England, we’ve had many years to put virtual rituals in place, our most solid and favourite one is baking together. It’s a great way to spend quality time together without us just staring at each other’s video image. And something we did in person growing up with my Nan, Lisa was late to the party on doing them and enjoying them.
I’d been focusing on my birthday this year, really since January as this was to be the year that I turned a lived birthday that Lisa, my sister did not. My birthdays have become tough for me these last couple of years as it falls days after Lisa’s death anniversary. I’ll be honest, it was rough for the couple of weeks, bookending both dates, and a few before and after. My body felt like crap and my head was not in a good spot. I pushed aside the things that did not have an urgency around them and did the must do and survival things.
My Mum, brother-in-law (Lisa’s husband) and I baked on her death anniversary, we picked a Lisa Bake recipe, that meant different things to each of us. Then the day before my birthday we baked for us to gather for me. Both times we had wonderful conversations and recalling’s of Lisa. I missed her presence both times, I do every day. I enjoyed musing what she would have said and done and laughed at. I did one other bake, and a trifle. The day of my birthday I gathered with friends for desserts, or pudding if you’re in England, and we enjoyed all the offerings. The trifle has significance as for my first birthday after Lisa died, she posthumously gave me a trifle spoon (and got one for herself – we both did this a lot), by making a trifle and thus serving it, I was able to bring her along on the day. I was also open with my friends why this birthday was significant, it falling on a day that’s easy for people to gather helped too.
One of the things that did get pushed to the side was video’s here. I want to be true to my experience and you not seeing this perfectionist from a channel about grief as that would be a misgiving of mine and could lead you in to thinking you need to push though and keep doing all the things as usual.
So I sit here with you, with an empty trifle bowl, biscuit tin’s, the cup from the Starbuck’s I got on that day, the bake that failed, that I remade, still not knowing what to do with the failed pieces (thank you solar flares, northern lights, aurora’s for that). With a hole in my heart that is surrounded by so much love around it.
I’ll be back with you, with The Types of Grief series, discussing Disenfranchised Grief.
Take Care of You
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