The Fear of Being Ourselves and the Fear of Abandonment

The fear of the self which the child of the narcissist feels is the fear of abandonment. As a child they have been emotionally neglected, punished and abandoned when they have tried to assert their will and become their real independent self. As a child this would have been terrifying.
When their real self wishes to assert itself, this brings on the fear of abandonment. It can also cause the child of the narcissist to feel helpless and this can force them into a dysfunctional clinging relationship.

Hours can be spent in addictions and avoidance of reality by ‘acting out’. To act out means to carry out behaviours which are usually self-destructive and may involve drugs, alcohol, running away or confrontations with the authorities such as the police.

The acting out serves the purpose of dissipating the subconscious uncomfortable feelings in a way that does not involve having to directly acknowledge them or face them as they are too painful.
The suppressed painful feelings from childhood will tend to remain buried until the individual is in a safe enough place in life to be able to deal with them.

A child of a narcissist will avoid triggering the fear of abandonment and depression by avoiding asserting themselves and not expressing their wants and needs. They may not be aware of who they are or they may have a feeling of ‘What’s the point? No one listens to me anyway.’

This means they do not activate their unique personality.

The rejection of their real self by their narcissistic parent is intolerable and painful.

The price that has to be paid for feeling safe is their submission to the narcissist’s will.

A fear of abandonment is a deep-seated fear of being left by people that you are close to. This fear affects your thoughts and behaviours.
It can be rooted in childhood from physical or emotional neglect or from an event such as the loss of a parent through death or divorce. This trauma results in an individual developing a fear or expectation that it will happen again.

Narcissists see their children as extensions of themselves, or as objects to be used to meet their needs, which renders them incapable of taking care of the emotional needs of another person. This is severe emotional neglect and means that they stifle their children’s real self and mould them into what they want them to be through the punishing behaviours of rejection, silent treatments and rages. They are highly critical and frequently shame and ridicule their children.

Many narcissists will never tell their children that they love them or be physically affectionate.

A Fear of Abandonment Results in Being:

Highly insecure

Low in confidence

Low in the ability to feel safe in the world

Unable to trust others

Low in self-esteem

Jealous

Clingy or pushing others away

And Individuals May:

Have an expectation of abandonment

Expect relationships to go wrong

Accept a relationship where they may be treated badly

Feel they don’t deserve to be loved

Wonder why their partner is with them

https://childrenofnarcissists.org.uk/...

https://childrenofnarcissists.org.uk/

https://sarahgrahamcounselling.com/