How to Have a Difficult Conversation

Got a tough conversation ahead of you? Emotions are the key driver of whether a conversation is effective - or not.

If you’re struggling to have a difficult conversation, you’re not alone. Managing the emotional tone of a conversation is hard. Years ago I developed this four part RUUM framework to help guide emotionally effective conversations. I use it all the time, and hope you find it helpful too. It can be used in a one-to-one setting, with coaching clients, or to think through a conversation you need to have with a team.

1) RECOGNIZE - How are you feeling? How is the other person feeling?

2) USE - What is the impact of both your emotions and their emotions on thoughts and behavior? For example, you might notice that you’re feeling resentful and it’s leading you to shut down and close off.

3) UNDERSTAND - What is the cause of the emotion, and how do you want it to play out over time? At the end of this conversation, how do you want to be feeling? How do you want the other person to feel?

4) MANAGE - What do you and the other person need to do throughout the conversation in order to achieve the outcome you want?

Emotional agility isn’t about fixing something or hiding behind a façade.

It's a commitment to emotional honesty, which lays the foundation for real change. It sometimes requires us to do challenging things like admitting a mistake, reevaluating a goal, or standing up for what you believe is right.

(Note: This framework has its roots in the Mayer-Salovey-Caruso model of EI, which accurately sees emotions as crucial guides to our thinking and actions.)

//Speaking

Susan inspires audiences to think, feel, and act differently with deeply impactful and positive outcomes for themselves, their colleagues, and their organizations. More details here: https://www.susandavid.com/speaking/

//Emotional Agility Learning Journeys

Meet the moment with emotional agility online learning. Our science-based microskills are powerful, practical, and scalable. For individuals, cohorts, and everything in between. More details here: https://www.susandavid.com/courses/

//Connect with Me

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//My Book (get a free chapter with the link below)

Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life

EMOTIONAL AGILITY helps us to navigate life’s twists and turns with self-acceptance, clear-sightedness, and an open mind. This process isn’t about ignoring difficult emotions and thoughts. It’s about holding those emotions and thoughts loosely, facing them with courage and compassion, and moving beyond them to ignite change in your life.

Written with authority, wit, and empathy, EMOTIONAL AGILITY serves as a roadmap for real behavioral change.

https://www.susandavid.com/book/

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//About Susan

Susan David, Ph.D. is one of the world’s leading management thinkers and an award-winning Harvard Medical School psychologist. Her TED Talk on the topic of emotional agility has been seen by more than 10 million people. She is a frequent contributor to the New York Times, Washington Post, and Wall Street Journal and often appears on national radio and television.

#1 Wall Street Journal Bestselling Author
Thinkers50 Breakthrough Idea Award Winner
Harvard Business Review Management Idea of the Year
Cofounder of the Institute of Coaching (a Harvard Medical School/McLean affiliate)