"Gilbert Gottfried sits in for The News" (January 14, 2004 -

Gilbert Gottfried came in so Howard got right to him. He said that Gilbert broke up with his girlfriend and he heard about what happened so he was going to tell the story. Howard then talked about the chick that Gilbert was dating. She was a cute blonde according to Howard. He said he couldn't even believe that Gilbert was dating her. Howard ran into her not too long ago and she told him that she loves Gilbert but she couldn't deal with him. She told Howard that Gilbert can't commit to anything and won't spend a dime. She also says that his cheapness is an illness. Stuttering John heard that he has boxes and boxes of shampoo in his apartment because he bought it in bulk. John said he won't even pay for a cab. Howard pointed out that John won't pay for one either.

Gary asked Gilbert if he owns his apartment or a car. Gilbert says he doesn't own anything like that. The guys asked if he buys stereo equipment or anything. He says he doesn't spend anything. Howard said he thinks that because Gilbert's parents were very poor, he seems to hate his parents and wants to have as much money as possible. Howard asked him when he actually moved out of his parents house. Gary said he was pretty sure he was over 30 when he finally moved out.

Chaunce Hayden called in and said that Gilbert shows up to parties around the city and he always has a knapsack with him. He swears that he loads that thing up with food and stuff. Gilbert joked that he scoops up lasagna and puts it in the bag. Howard asked him if he takes salt shakers and things like that. Gilbert wouldn't talk seriously about that though. He just made jokes about it all.

Stuttering John said that Gilbert won't pay for lunch and he won't pay for a cab to get back to his home. Gary said that Gilbert didn't take a cab this morning. Carolines actually got him a car to drive him there. He told a couple of other stories about Gilbert's cheapness.

A woman, Valerie, called in and said that she slept with Gilbert years ago. Stuttering John said he thinks he knows who the girl is. He said that he slept with her as well. He said he only banged her twice. When he found out she was banging Gilbert he had to get out of there. Artie said she had quite a resume. She said that she really liked Gilbert, that's why she banged him. She told Howard that Gilbert would barely feed her and she would just bang him and leave. She also said that he was a good lover. Howard asked her what he was good at so she said that he spanked her. Gilbert said that she was just too picky with the food, that's why he doesn't call her. Howard asked her who was better in bed at the time. She said Gilbert was better than John.

John said that he was able to give her an orgasm. She also said that John has a bigger penis than Gilbert but Gilbert was still a better lover than John was. Valerie shared a few other stories about Gilbert and said that ragging on Gilbert isn't right because she had a lot of fun with him. Howard asked her about what kinds of things she did with Gilbert and what it was like getting spanked by him. She spent a short time talking about that before Howard got her off the line.

Another woman called in and said she used to invest Gilbert's money for him. She said that he has done very well for himself. Howard said that's because he doesn't spend any money. Howard ended up hanging up on her before she could say hello to Artie like she wanted to.

Howard gave Gilbert a couple of plugs for his appearances at Carolines and Governors. Stuttering John said that when he was going out with that girl Valerie, her parents met him at the door with a video camera. He said it was very strange. Artie said they should have asked her about her other celebrity conquests.

Valerie was back on the line a couple of minutes later. She said that she's even better looking now than she was back then. John said she was smokin' hot back then. She's 32 now. Howard wanted to see what she looks like now. He invited her to come in so they could check her out.

Howard took a call from a guy who had his 9 year old son on the phone to ask to hear the Aflac duck. Gilbert just laughed when Howard asked him to say something. Howard figured he just didn't want to lose the gig with Aflac.

Artie and Gilbert goofed on Stuttering John throughout the news. They were cracking each other up doing impressions of him talking about the chicks he banged and stuff like that. Every story that Robin brought up turned into a joke about Stuttering John and the girls he's thought hit on him.