Diary Entry #7 | The First of the Last

Hey, stranger! 'tis me, the woman who comes bleed online.

I'm so scared for this one. I recorded this at the beginning of January. I'm sentimental and ritualistic as they come, and the last bit of this entry was added on January 2023, so it felt fitting at the time and then never posted it.

I edited out the explanation because I end up sharing too much and crying by the end, but basically I went on about how I loved this one person for half my life, the mystical experience that was knowing each other before we met, even when the odds of us ending up in the same room were a thousand to zero, and recognising each other in a spiritual sense. How silly little teenage me was a hardcore atheist but couldn't fight off the amount of inexplicable impossibilities that made themselves manifest after we met; how, in spite of him being careless with my heart, I am incredibly grateful, because without doing or saying anything in particular, this person changed my entire worldview and kick started a neverending journey to try and understand through experience what moves us. Also, how he gifted me compass, for there's no way I could ever settle for less than otherworldly type of magic and spiritual growth. He doomed me... and I am okay with that now.

I remember writing this in May 2022. I woke up feeling empty, something was missing. I sat at the piano (as you do) and as the melody came flowing over gibberish and crappy chords, it hit me: I couldn't feel him anymore. I know I sound like a crazy woman- and I'm not beating the allegations, I am pretty much insane. However, I swear to God there was something which I cannot explain binding me to him. Through time and space, I swear I could feel him, until I couldn't anymore. I think I know the reason why, to be honest with you, stranger.

I find myself at a crossroads now, for many reasons but mainly because of a major thing that happened June 11th, triggering me to take a closer inspection at decisions I made at a certain point in adult years, and how my childhood experience influenced those choices. I explain all of it in that clip I'd told you I recorded a few days ago, maybe I'll re-do it. Basically, I find myself needing to build a new emotional environment where I cannot bring him in. I let go in 2022, but this feels different. Erasing him, almost.

I wish I had other people's ability to detach just as simple