"Gilbert Gottfried sits in for The News" (February 3, 1999 -

Comedian Gilbert Gottfried was supposed come in and hang out during the news today. What ended up happening was that we learned more about him than anyone ever wanted to know.

The first thing Howard did was try to figure out what Gilbert is worth. Gilbert doesn't buy much and he doesn't go out as far as Howard knows. He figures that he must be worth about $5 million or so. Gilbert said that he gets the money and doesn't really invest in much. Howard said he probably hides his money in his mattress.

Then this woman Angela, who used to work with Gilbert on the USA Network's ''Up All Night'', called in to tell Howard how she saw Gilbert's penis. Angela said they were getting changed in a dressing room and she saw the side of his testicle and the large outline of his penis in his underwear. Angela said that she tried to get Gilbert to go out with her but he wouldn't. She admitted that she's not at all attractive in any way so she wasn't surprised. Just by chance Gilbert had a picture of her on him and showed it to Howard. Howard agreed that she wasn't attractive. She did say that she got laid 2 nights ago but it was thanks to the guy getting drunk that it happened. Angela was on the phone quite a while.

After Howard took a break Stuttering John came in and said that he had Gilbert's girlfriend on the phone. Howard was amazed that Gilbert has a girlfriend at all. She didn't want to come on the air unless Gilbert said it was okay though. Gilbert was very hesitant to let it happen but Howard put her on. Her name is Dara and she works in the record company business. Dara called Gilbert ''The most wonderful man in the world'' when Howard asked her about him. They've been dating for about 2 years and see each other quite often. They did say that they don't stay over at each other's homes but they do have sex. Dara said that Gilbert doesn't have a microwave oven or a dishwasher or cable TV. She said that he does have 138 tubes of toothpaste though. ''He buys it when it's on sale'' she said. She also admitted that he's the cheapest man she's ever met. When they watch movies together they do it at her apartment since she has cable TV. Howard wondered what Gilbert does at his place if he doesn't have any modern appliances. Gilbert didn't get the chance to say what he does but Howard said he'd really like to have a camera follow him around for a day.

After Dara was off the phone Gilbert was a little off and wasn't really funny for a while. This may have been too much for Gilbert to handle in one day. He's usually so secretive about this stuff that it threw off his comedy. Eventually he got rolling and made some funny comments during the news. Gilbert will be appearing at Caroline's Comedy Club in New York Thursday, February 4. He'll also be at Zany's in Chicago from Feb 11-13. You can also catch him on the new ''Hollywood Squares'' next week.