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8 reasons why you should stop wasting your time, effort and emotional energy on wondering about this.
I don't want to invalidate your painful experiences. But I also don't want to put too much emphasis on how vulnerable narcs take pleasure in your pain. I know this. I understand this. And my heart really goes out to you... However, I'm here to encourage you to move forward with radical acceptance, compassion and forgiveness. This will set you free!

These are my personal observations, plus 7 years’ worth of research on grandiose and vulnerable narcissism. The objective of these 8 reasons is to help speed up your process of accepting narcissistic abuse and to move forward.
00:00 intro
01:00 Grandiose and Vulnerable narcissists
03:16 1. Narcissists are damaged people. They’re not capable of love. Try to forgive them.
03:24 2. Narcs cannot or will not change. Don’t waste your time hoping.
03:31 3. Society has put parents on the pedestal, especially mothers. This is a huge burden on mothers to be perfect. So it’s tempting for those who don’t love their children, to put on a show for others to see. My opinion on this, is that love is something you’re capable of, or you’re not.  It cannot be forced. There’s nothing wrong with a mother not loving her children. It’s a myth created by society, perpetuated by a capitalist world. That said, they should still try their best to refrain from abusing their children. I say SHOULD. In reality it rarely happens. So stop hoping and resenting, that’s your best move forward.
04:28 4. Self loathing. If anyone consistently makes you feel terrible about yourself, then something is wrong. It could be you, it could be them, I don't know, but talk to them. If they refuse to listen to your feelings, if they invalidate your reality, if they always have an answer to prove you wrong even before you finish your sentence, then stop wondering. It doesn’t matter whether they’re a narcissist, sociopath, psychopath, borderline, or whatever term is used. It doesn’t matter. What matters is they are emotionally abusive and make you feel crazy. That’s not love.
06:32 5. Personal boundaries. They’ll become outraged because they’re used to stepping all over you, and suddenly you’re disagreeing with them. This can make them lash out in a very cruel way. And if this is the first time you’re putting up personal boundaries, you’ll be shocked at their reaction. But at least you’ll discover that all the years of so-called harmony was because you gave in all the time. This is proof that love is a one-way street in this dynamic.
07:06 6. Narcissists are deeply insecure. See them not as parents but as people who are painfully insecure. Insecure people are so impoverished that they’re not capable of unconditional love. The love they mimic is usually to get something in return. And if they don’t get what they want, they go into a rage. For the grandiose narc, it’s a full on physical rage. For the vulnerable narc, it’s a more cutting and cruel silent rage that manifests in many different ways.
08:19 7. Stop asking for friends’ opinions. Most will deny your reality. They’ll say, "of course they love you, they just show it differently." This is because they don’t understand narcissistic abuse, or they’re in a similar situation which they refuse to wake up from. So they don’t want you to rock the boat. Abuse from the vulnerable narcissist is unlike other forms of abuse. Even clinicians sometimes don’t understand, and many further damage their clients with secondary abuse. By invalidating their experiences, and further make them feel crazy and petty. The vulnerable narcissist knows this. This is their modus operandi.
09:07 8. Narcissists are very charming and deceptive. This means they have an entourage of supporters, or at least a small group of people who will always fuss around them and help them. This is a good enough reason to stop focusing on them and instead look after yourself.
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