"Gilbert Gottfried sits in for The News" (March 7, 2001 -

Howard was still on the subject of Kylie and Carmen when he came back from break. He said that Carmen knows that she's his girl and always will be. He said that Kylie just isn't pretty enough for him. He said that just because he was upset over her lie detector test of course. He said if he had the chance he'd bang both of them often and hard if he had the chance. Gary came in and told Howard that Kylie might be a 10 but there are a lot of 8's out there who don't have the attitude that she does. Howard then said ''Speaking of 8's, 10's, 2's and 4's... Here's a 1, Gilbert Gottfried.''

Gilbert came in with his head just about shaved down to nothing. Howard said he's the kind of guy that needs hair because his face is too big now.

Gilbert shot an episode of ''Son of the Beach'' and according to Howard it's his best performance ever. He said it's the funniest thing he's seen. Gilbert plays a Jewish lifeguard in the episode ''Chips Agoy''. Howard said he's got the Hasidic beard and he's wearing swim trunks and it's great. He said his legs don't even look human.

Gilbert told Howard that there was one day when it was really cold on the beach so everyone was covering up during breaks. When they'd get ready to shoot the girls would take off their blankets and jackets. The directors would then tell them that the pants they were wearing could be seen in the shot so they had to take them off. Gilbert said they did that to all of the girls so the guy, Roland, asked if he should do the same. The director says ''No, you're fine.''

Howard continued to tell Gilbert that this role is the best and that it might set the Jews back a thousand years. He then said that after watching it even he was offended by his own show.

Howard asked Gilbert if Jackie has been thrown off of Hollywood Squares now that he's not on the show anymore. Gilbert went on to tell Howard about this one show they shot where Jackie wasn't getting laughs from his jokes. He said that everyone had the audience rolling and then Jackie would tell a joke and there would be silence. He said it happened a couple of times. Gilbert said the audience was just about giving him a standing ovation and with Jackie they'd go silent. Then Jackie turns to Gilbert and says ''This audience sucks!''

A phone caller suggested to Howard that he get Tom to come in and have Gilbert sign a contract to replace Jackie. Gilbert said he could do that and come in every day and demand more money. Howard asked him if he has a web site he could plug incessantly. Gilbert said ''no'' so Howard told him he couldn't replace Jackie then.

Gilbert stuck around for the rest of the show to comment on some of the news stories that were brought up

Gilbert is appearing at Caroline's on Broadway this Thursday and Friday. You can get more info at Carolines.com