Why Your Husband Doesn't Apologize

Does your husband apologize to you after he hurts your feelings?

I hear from women often that this is a point of contention. It seems it’s difficult for many men to say “I’m sorry.”

It’s only two words, but they are an important two words. They tell a wife that the situation is resolved and she is love and peace is restored in the relationship.

“What is so hard about saying two little words?”

Well, it turns out there is very good reason for this. The way men and women resolve conflict is very different.

Women like to talk through a disagreement and apologize at the end. Imagine a circle. First the conflict, then the discussion to resolve it, then the apology. Women go full circle. They NEED to go full circle to feel resolved about whatever the issue was.

Men resolve conflict without a lot of talking or apologies. In fact, it’s kind of an unwritten rule with men that they just drop it. And that is what they want you to do, too.

But women can’t emotionally tolerate when men say, “just drop it.”

Author Shaunti Feldhahn explains the reason it is so difficult for men to apologize. She says, for a man, saying “I’m sorry,” feels like he is losing respect of the person he is apologizing to.

Admitting he is wrong feels terrible to him. Like he is “less than.” It feels like it takes away his honor.

Now, this explanation doesn’t mean he should not have to apologize or admit he is wrong.

I just want you to know how deep this struggle for him to say, “I’m sorry” runs.

Maybe it will help you be less upset with him. Or open up a healthy conversation with him about it.

I have a radical idea to get this conversation going. What would it be like if YOU came to HIM now with an apology.

Imagine saying something like this, “Honey, I owe you an apology. I learned something new about men and women. I learned that women need to apologize and receive an apology when there has been a hurt in a relationship, but men just prefer to drop it. I never knew that. Is that true for you?”

Then you can say something like, “OK. I am going to keep that in mind, and I would like to share something with you about me. I need to hear the apology to know that our relationship is safe. Would you be willing to work on that for me? While I work on being understanding of how hard it is for you?”

Then you can take the conversation from there.

I hope this was helpful today. I would love to hear how your conversation with your husband goes …. Send me an email and let me know.

If you need some help working on your marriage, that is my specialty. I would love to help you. Please reach out to me.