Part of your IELTS or TOEFL writing practice should include building your editing skills. This involves analyzing your sentences and paragraphs objectively and looking for errors not only in grammar and vocab, but also in structures, logical connections, factual accuracy, cohesion, and other areas.
Grammar issues may include article use, numbers (singular/plural), prepositions, punctuation, agreement, etc.
Vocab issues may include spelling, form, collocations, appropriateness (relative to other vocab, syntax, meaning), etc.
Other points include the use of transitions and pronouns, avoiding redundancy and repetition, and many other factors.
In the video we looked at a sample paragraph written by one of your peers. Here is the breakdown of the errors:
✔ Original:
The Muslim women, for instance, who wear hijab as a part of practicing their belief, were insulted in the public verbally and physically which violates the principals of freedom in the US. In addition, more tragic incidents, which exemplifies the ridiculousness of this attitude, took place as well. Many Hindu Sheiks, who wore turbans, were insulted for being Muslim terrorists.
✔ Edited:
Muslim women, for instance, who wear a hijab as a part of their religious practice, have been verbally and physically insulted in public, which violates the principles of freedom in the US. Many Sikhs, who wear turbans, have also been insulted for being Muslim terrorists. In fact, many more tragic incidents have taken place as well, which exemplifies the ridiculousness of this attitude.
The Muslim women—no need for a definite article as you are not identifying a particular group of these women.
For instance—for instance of what? This needs to attach to the point made.
Practicing their belief— which belief?
Were—when? For non-specific past time use present perfect
Which violates—before which, add a comma
Principals vs. principles
Hindu Sheiks— incorrect use of example. Sikhs
Wore turbans…; were…—when? Use present perfect
In addition—to what? Use in fact to reinforce the idea
Join the two examples as one point to reach the conclusion of the ridiculousness of…
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