John Gottman's Horsemen: DEFENSIVENESS (Relationship Advice)

In this video I will discuss how to identify defensiveness in your relationship and share scientifically researched ways to put an end to defensiveness. According to leading relationship expert John Gottman there are several forms of defensiveness, including:

Denying responsibility
Repeating yourself
Making excuses
Making a counter attack
Whining
The use of body language

These defensive strategies are never successful. Making excuses just communicates to your partner that you don’t respect them, whining usually comes from a position of manipulative victimhood and if you make a counter attack you’re just stoking the flames of a fire. Defensiveness is a way of blaming your partner, you’re basically saying, “The problem isn’t me, it’s you”.

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🔵 CHAPTERS

0:00 Exploration of defensiveness with examples
3:04 The antidote to defensiveness

John Gottman explains that negative communication patterns fall under four key categories: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. He calls these negative communication patterns the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse which is a metaphor he uses to depict the end of a relationship. Gottman has provided proven antipodes to each of the four horsemen. In this video I’m focussing defensiveness and the antidote to defensiveness is to take responsibility for your role in the situation, even if only for part of the conflict. I’m aware practicing the antidote to defensiveness isn’t an easy process, it will probably take a lot of effort but do keep practicing.

🔵 JOHN GOTTMAN'S FOUR HORSEMEN VIDEOS

If you are interested in finding out about the other horsemen please click the links below:

John Gottman's Four Horsemen And Antidotes:    • John Gottman's Four Horsemen and Anti...  
Criticism:    • John Gottman's Horsemen CRITICISM (Re...  
Contempt:    • John Gottman's Horsemen CONTEMPT (Rel...  
Defensiveness:    • John Gottman's Horsemen: DEFENSIVENES...  
Stonewalling:    • John Gottman's Horsemen STONEWALLING ...  

🔵 ABOUT TERESA LEWIS

Teresa Lewis is the founder and Director of Lewis Psychology and a Senior Accredited psychotherapist with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (MBACP Snr. Accred). Qualified in 1995, Teresa has been providing counselling and psychotherapy treatment for nearly 30 years. Teresa holds a masters degree in counselling and psychotherapy and is a qualified EMDR Practitioner having completed training accredited with EMDR Europe. Teresa is also a qualified adult educator and an accredited Mindfulness teacher As a recognised expert in her field Teresa is frequently asked to conduct editorial reviews and endorse counselling and psychotherapy books for international publishing houses.

☐ Email Teresa at: [email protected]
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