John Gottman's Horsemen STONEWALLING (Relationship Advice)

In this video I share John Gottman’s fourth Horsemen of the Apocalypse which is stonewalling. I also look at the antidote to stonewalling which is physiological self-soothing. This video provides important relationship advice using examples.

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🔵 CHAPTERS

0:00 What is stonewalling
3:01 The antidote to stonewalling

Research by leading relationship expert John Gottman has shown that 85% of stonewallers are men. During relationship conflict, men are more likely to be physiologically flooded than women and this can lead to stonewalling. For example, during an argument your pulse will rise, your blood pressure will increase and you heart rate will rise but these physiological markers will be much higher for the average man than the average women. A man’s autonomic nervous system may be more sensitive and take longer to recover from upset than the average woman. This isn’t to say women are immune to relationship stress but it may take more intense conflict for women to experience such an intense physiological response. According to Gottman, since men are more biologically reactive to stress they are more likely to need to protect themselves by stonewalling.

John Gottman explains that negative communication patterns fall under four key categories: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. He calls these negative communication patterns the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse which is a metaphor he uses to depict the end of a relationship. Gottman has provided proven antipodes to each of the four horsemen. In this video I’m focussing stonewalling and the antidote to stonewalling is physiological self-soothing.

In one of Gottman’s research studies, he interrupted couples after fifteen minutes of an argument and told them the needed to adjust the equipment. He asked them not to talk about their relationship but just to read magazines for half an hour. When the couple started talking again, their heart rates were much lower and their interaction was more respectful and productive. So what happened during that half hour? Each partner physiologically soothed themselves by reading the magazine and stopping the discussion. As they felt much calmer they were able to return to the discussion in a more respectful and rational way. Therefore, the antidote to stonewalling is to practice physiological self-soothing, and the first step of self-soothing is to stop the discussion.

The break should last at least twenty minutes because it will take that long before your body physiologically calms down. Spend your time doing something self-soothing such as listening to music, practicing a breathing exercise, going for a small walk or reading.

You do need to be careful how you manage taking a break because if you just to stop an argument and just walk away this could be interpreted by your partner as stonewalling. I would suggest you both agree ahead of time on an appropriate way to take a break. This could be a word, a phrase, or simply raising a hand into a stop position. This main thing to consider here is that the request to stop is respectful and that you both agree honour that request for a break.

🔵 JOHN GOTTMAN'S FOUR HORSEMEN VIDEOS

If you are interested in finding out about the other horsemen please click the links below:

☐ John Gottman's Four Horsemen And Antidotes:    • John Gottman's Four Horsemen and Anti...  
☐ Criticism:    • John Gottman's Horsemen CRITICISM (Re...  
☐ Contempt:    • John Gottman's Horsemen CONTEMPT (Rel...  
☐ Defensiveness:    • John Gottman's Horsemen: DEFENSIVENES...  
☐ Stonewalling:    • John Gottman's Horsemen STONEWALLING ...  

🔵 ABOUT TERESA LEWIS

Teresa Lewis is the founder and Director of Lewis Psychology and a Senior Accredited psychotherapist with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (MBACP Snr. Accred). Qualified in 1995, Teresa has been providing counselling and psychotherapy treatment for nearly 30 years. Teresa holds a masters degree in counselling and psychotherapy and is a qualified EMDR Practitioner having completed training accredited with EMDR Europe. Teresa is also a qualified adult educator and an accredited Mindfulness teacher As a recognised expert in her field Teresa is frequently asked to conduct editorial reviews and endorse counselling and psychotherapy books for international publishing houses.

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