John Gottman's Horsemen CRITICISM (Relationship Advice)

In this video I discuss how to identify criticism in your relationship and share scientifically researched ways to put an end to criticism. Research by leading relationship expert John Gottman explains how criticism is a form of destructive conflict behaviour that contributes to the breakdown of your relationship. John Gottman explains that negative communication patterns fall under four key categories: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. He calls these negative communication patterns the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

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🔵 CHAPTERS

0:00 Exploration of criticism within a relationship
2:23 John Gottman’s relationship research
3:21 The antidote to criticism

Let’s look at an example of criticism. Clare and Kevin have been married for six months. They are renting a one bedroom flat with the view of saving a deposit for their first home. They agreed to be very careful with money for a couple of years, so no eating out, not owning a car and no holidays. It soon become clear they have very different ideas about money. While Clare made all food from scratch, turned the lights off when she left a room and brought a packed lunch to work. Kevin would buy his lunch from the work cafe, took the bus to work and regularly went to Starbucks on his break.

Clare started to complain to Kevin about his spending habits “I’m not happy with the amount money you are spending right now’. Kevin replied, “But we haven’t had a holiday this year and don’t even own a car”. Kevin dismissed Clare’s complaints as unjustified. Clare felt Kevin was not listening and over time Clare’s complaints turned to criticism, she said: “You’re so selfish, you only think about yourself and what you want. I have to do without because you overspend”.

The primary difference between a complaint and criticism is a complaint focusses on specific behaviour and criticism focusses on someone’s personality or character. Criticism often starts with the word ‘You’. For example: “You don’t care”. “You always put yourself first” and “You never show any interest in me”. Criticism can have a devastating impact on a relationship as it makes the person on the receiving end feel unfairly attacked, rejected, and hurt. It eats away at trust and intimacy and erodes self-esteem.

🔵 ANITDOTE TO CRITICISM

John Gottman provided proven antidotes for each of the four horsemen. The If we are changing Clare’s initial critical statement into an ‘I’ statement it would sound something like this: “I’m feeling really concerned about money. I need to revisit our money plans. Can we please talk about this?”
There’s no blame or criticism, which prevents the discussion from escalating into an argument. If you practice using a soft or gentle startup your relationship is almost certain to improve dramatically. I’m not saying its going to be easy, it may take a lot of effort but do keep practicing.

🔵 JOHN GOTTMAN'S FOUR HORSEMEN VIDEOS

If you are interested in finding out about the other horsemen please click the links below:

☐ John Gottman's Four Horsemen And Antidotes:    • John Gottman's Four Horsemen and Anti...  
☐ Criticism:    • John Gottman's Horsemen CRITICISM (Re...  
☐ Contempt:    • John Gottman's Horsemen CONTEMPT (Rel...  
☐ Defensiveness:    • John Gottman's Horsemen: DEFENSIVENES...  
☐ Stonewalling:    • John Gottman's Horsemen STONEWALLING ...  

🔵 ABOUT TERESA LEWIS

Teresa Lewis is the founder and Director of Lewis Psychology and a Senior Accredited psychotherapist with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (MBACP Snr. Accred). Qualified in 1995, Teresa has been providing counselling and psychotherapy treatment for nearly 30 years. Teresa holds a masters degree in counselling and psychotherapy and is a qualified EMDR Practitioner having completed training accredited with EMDR Europe. Teresa is also a qualified adult educator and an accredited Mindfulness teacher As a recognised expert in her field Teresa is frequently asked to conduct editorial reviews and endorse counselling and psychotherapy books for international publishing houses.

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