How To Forgive Someone Who Cheated On You Multiple Times | Paul Friedman

How to forgive someone who cheated on you multiple times, and I'm going to address this to women. If you are a man then please write into our counselors -- it's free service and this will not be relevant to you. I know that there's this big thing in the world about men
and women are the same.

They're not the same, the statistics are not the same. Our experiences are not the same and so my answer is not the same for men as it is for women so this is for women. In other words, how do I forgive someone my husband who has been unfaithful multiple times?

We have a lot of experience in this area because a lot of women don't deal with this the
first time. The first time -- it happens typically, the husband is caught cheating in whatever form and the wife confronts him and he says, Oh my God, you know blah blah blah blah blah" or, "How dare you look at my phone?" It's the fight or flight it's the defensive reaction when you're caught and it ends with but, "I made a mistake and I'm never going to do
that again and you can trust me." So it does happen again.

Sometimes he's not caught for years or he's toned it down for quite a while but he does it again so the question before we go how do you forgive him is why does it keep happening. And the answer is too simple, it's because neither of you has changed so you're the same people and the dynamics of your marriage have not changed. I mean you could stop doing
something that's habitual for a while but eventually, the habit is caused by inner stuff that's going to manifest again.

You got to understand that the reason for cheating is that marriage is not functioning well. He's not happy. You're not happy either. It's not like everything's been going the long hunky-dory and all of a sudden he's cheating you know there's something wrong and you think it's okay because the world explains marriage in a really bizarre way. I mean think about it. There are books on how to argue properly in a marriage.

Why should you ever argue in a marriage?
Why did you get married?

You got married to be happy. Well, happy, arguing is pulling you in two different directions. You cannot be happy while you're arguing, "Oh, but that's just life maybe." But not in a marriage, not in a well-functioning marriage. You got married in order to be happy and the
primary vehicle for happiness which is infallible works 100% of the time is love. So, there is not enough love in your marriage.

There might be a lot of attachment, there might be a lot of "I'm used to her", "I'm used to him this" but real love it's there. Don't get me wrong. But what are you doing to make it
manifest? What are you doing and make it what your marriage should be, the reality of your marriage? And that's why there's cheating because that's not happening so the two of you haven't changed just because someone said, "I'm not going to do it again." That doesn't mean there's any change just means that action isn't going to maybe not happen again for a while. So now, we get to the how do I forgive them, because you want your marriage back
and you don't want it to be as screwed up as it currently is. You didn't get married so your husband is cheating on you.

What does that mean if he's cheating on you?

He's not your husband while he's cheating on you so it's a dismantling of this marriage that was meant to be an amazing thing and you can't blame him even though what he did was wrong. He's reacting to something that's not right. Everyone will tell you even the psychologists that cheating is not a reason for divorce. Sometimes it is stated as the reason for divorce but it doesn't happen just off the cuff just out of the blue. It happened because you're not building your marriage, you're not building the love. You're not building the happiness because you don't know how. It isn't your fault.

I have this discussion with people all the time. I go, "So, did you learn how to balance a checkbook in school?" "No." "What did you learn?" "A lot of stuff I forgot." "Did you learn anything that's really practical?" Now, if I'm talking to someone who ends up using
math or using chemistry, yeah, it was a basis, but most people don't but practical day-to-day stuff you don't learn in school including relationships, including gender differences, including biology as it pertains to how we operate in the world. In fact, there's this whole
movement of, "Don't talk about them. Men and women are the same" which is so ridiculous but I don't want to get off on a tangent.

Watch the video for more.

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